I never really understood what kind of changes I have under went. But more and more recently, I have been able to control them. That's nuts. And for a lot of people, a scary thing.

Alright, I'm going back to Norman later Sunday. I'm going to write out a few promises to myself.

No more allowing yourself to be second anymore. I'm going to put myself forward before anyone else, besides family and God.

Do what I need to get my dream summer job so I can get the hell out of Oklahoma.

Get at least a 3.5 for the semester. I need it if I wish to pursue any wish of being in the medical field.

Watch what I eat. I ate too much shit the last semester and that's over.

Stop going home every weekend. I don't live in Edmond anymore.

Anyways, It's good to write out your goals so that way you can't forget them and they will always be there to help you get your focus back up.

Well, I had sometime to calm down and regain my energies and focus. I may have stepped into the debauchery that is our modern culture, but I've pretty much discovered it's not for me. If that's not obvious to anyone that read my last post, I feel sorry for you.
Some stuff that's been weighting heavy on my mind has gotten easier. I talked to my best friend that I never realized is my best friend. My mom. You know, with other people I feel the need to be that calm, cool guy, but with my family, especially my mom, I can be the most off the wall person and it makes me glad. I do the most childish stupid stuff when I'm with my mom and I actually enjoy myself when I do it. I never realized how much my mom meant to me. It's also good to know that you can talk to you parents and they won't judge you. My dad is like that, but that's what I expect from him. He has good intentions, just doesn't know how to show them. After my talk with my mom, the weight on my shoulders was lifted. It felt great. It felt wonderful. Hadn't felt that good in a long time. Actually talking to someone that didn't say, "You should do this..." Or "You have to do this.." that actually listened was AWESOME! I guess that's one of the sacrifices I made when I decided I'd be the listener for the people around me who I love.
I had to tell my room-mate's ex-girlfriend (maybe girlfriend again, IDK), that I can't talk to her because she is self centered and ego-centrical. I came close to getting in my depression again and I called her, and all she wanted to is talk about my room mate. I understand that she was going through a hard time, BUT DAMNIT, I WAS AT THE DOOR OF A DEPRESSION!! Also, I felt like she was just hitting me up for information on Chris. I'm not going to be her unwitting spy for her. Chris is my friend and brother. What's sad is I know she has a good, big heart, just doesn't know how to show it.
Now, the only issue that's bothering me is the fact that I need to contact people. During the course of my break, I just dropped off the face of the planet and probably disappointed a lot of people that wanted to hear from me. Ok not a lot of people, I'm like the door man at a restaurant, it's nice to have me there, but if I'm not there, people just shrug and open the door for themselves. Not very important, at least I haven't heard otherwise. You know I've always had this theory that I could just get a load of money and a good car and pick a direction and go for at least 3-7 days w/o anyone seriously raising a big fuss. Wouldn't surprise me. I might test that out this summer, I'm going to try and get a job where I'll be.....somewhere else all summer. See if anyone notices I've disappeared off the face of the earth for 2-3 months. If I don't get the job, then I have other plans, but my heart is set, and I think I have a good chance. Wish me luck.
I think I'm finding myself again. I sort of lost myself in the middle of everything. Too much stress and partying, but I can sort of sense my self coming out of whatever funk I was in. Feel like I survive again. But there is one thing that will change at the end of the summer, I'm not going to be the damn door man anymore. If you don't notice me, I'll close the door on your face. At least that's the plan, especially if I get my dream summer job.
Ok, I'm repeating myself, I'm going to get out of here
~Later dayz

"You have changed"

I hate those 3 words more then I ever thought I would. You know I use to think of change in me as a good thing, but recently, whenever I hear those words directed at me, it's usually followed by a negative reason.

Fuck it. I care about the people who keep saying it to me, but I can't help it. College has been an EXTREME culture shock. My parents grew me up (Hell yeah I'll show my country roots, my parents grew me up) with an understanding that real true love can wait forever if need be, and that sex is something that can wait until the person that God intends for you. Yeah, I'm catholic, Yeah, I'm a virgin. Whoop. It doesn't matter. It feels like I'm the only one now-a-days. I hear girls say, "Yeah, I'm a virgin, but I give good head." Excuse me?! That's not a virgin sweet heart. So I'm very experience compared to everyone around me. I don't like feeling like I'm left out, so does that mean I have to cut short on a value that means a lot to me to just fit in with todays culture? If I do then I think my answer would be FUCK YOU MODERN CULTURE! I don't care if I'm waiting for a girl that doesn't exist anymore, I'll become a priest.

Then there's also the fact that I never realized how selfish people are. It's ALWAYS looking out for number one, the only reason that might not be true is if the person you are with is a good friend and you have some past experience and time with them. In fact the only people that I would safely put in this category for me is my family and then I have a few other people that I would put in a maybe category. I mean when did self standing and power become such a big issue. Now I'm not saying that I'm innocent of this one, I know that one of the reasons I wanted to be a doctor was to be able to have A LARGE disposable income. A good example of this is the relationship with the RUF/NEKS and the RUF/NEK Lil sis'. The NEKS use to have a good amount of control over the lil sis, but they decided that it would be a good idea to let them have said control and not long afterwards, we get all pissed off that they don't wear white skirts anymore? I mean come on! Go to hell. That's stupid. That's just remorse over the fact that you can't feel the lil sis with the hot chicks that the NEKS use to be able to bone. That's just stupid, which goes back to the whole power thing. It's just stupid.

The other thing that pisses me off about what leads this country is the whole thing about greed. I don't think I need to go into any detail about that....

It's just overwhelming sad, and the big thing is that I didn't really realize it. Now that I'm trying to come to terms with all this stuff that I should have realized, I'm going through a change and I'm disappointing people and letting a lot of people down, but I'm just trying to cope, because I'm close to another depression. I mean serious one. I drank practically a whole bottle of tequila one night and passed out, and I don't get hang overs or throw up and the next morning I was like. That was extremely peaceful. Just imagine, a bottle of jack, maybe a bottle of rum and a few beers and you don't have to worry about getting up. Look I apologize to the people I'm letting down, but I really need to focus on myself and see what I can do to make sure I can survive in this world without giving up. I can't quit. I have a little girl that loves me and needs me, and I need to protect her how I can, even if it isn't much BECAUSE OF HER STUPID BITCH OF A MOM!!! FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID BITCH!!

I apologize, but I have a lost a lot of innocence and androgyny, but I needed to lose it to live, and hopefully become a person that can actually survive in this fucked up little green and blue ball that we call a planet and letting it go to hell.

*Sighs* If the bible is right and what happens after we get world peace, then I hope we get world peace soon because this little place is going to hell.