"I ain't afraid of no ghost!"

Yeah, apparently I screwed up again. Wronged a good friend this weekend as well. Kind of funny considering the fact that I was caught up by the ghost in my past. Alright, I'm not going to let my ghost eat me alive and consume me. I'm going to do something about it. Can't keep running because you'll eventually get tired and I think I'm almost there. So...Time to kick some ghost butt and try to fix things in my past. Probably won't ever be able to completely get rid of them, but at least I can bring this to an end. No more dramatic, depressed shit. This is it, I'm going to e-mail Angela an apology. Hopefully, she will respond so that way I can properly bring this to an end. Going to talk to McKenzie and Amanda, tell them that I don't approve of what they are doing and hopefully they will get the message and try to clean up their acts. Have to talk to Jenna...(that's going to be fun). Have to talk to Kasey (shouldn't be to hard I think). Then maybe I can help Nicole out and keep the drama in my life to a minimum. No more writing, just action. Pray for me. What's funny is that I'm actually happy about the way I'm going to be handling this. WISH ME LUCK!!

Why is that all of a sudden people think there is something wrong with me?

Lissy, whom I was planning on visiting in Texas this weekend, just told me she wasn't sure I should come if I have a lot on my mind. That's a shock, since just recently we've gotten to a point where we don't fight everytime we talk. Also, considering that fact that we haven't seen in each other in YEARS and I thought we were actually really close. At least I thought so...
Also Heather wrote me a message on Facebook saying that I sound really depressed and she was worried that I would do something stupid. I won't. I promise I'm fine. Damn, I think I should stop writing this depressing dribble in here and remind myself about what's good.

1. Jesus Christ
2. Selena and Alexander, Selena's new baby brother
3. New Borns
4. My family
5. Lissy and Heather caring (sorry if I scare you guys, I promise I'm not that bad in person)
6. I get to shot shotguns
7. My family is pretty much out of financial trouble (YEAH!!!)
8. The fact that tomorrow I get to get up and celebrate another great day in a great country
9. I have good friends
10. Selena and Alexander
11. I get to shot shotguns ( I know this is repetition, but those are really good things :)
12. It's awesome that Alexander was born on Valentine's Day
13. My parents are coming back from Texas soon
14. My brother has a "date?" with a girl
15. I found a way to hook up my computer to my stereo so I can hear my music in stereo!
16. I have cable and a computer and a phone
17. I have the music from the broadway play "Avenue Q"
18. Trekki Monster Freaking rocks
19. My waterbed has a heating pad under it's water mattress
20. "Schadenfraude" :)
21. I have a 120 friend on thefacebook.com
22. Tomorrow I get to have lunch with a good friend who is extremely good looking
23. My ethics test isn't until Thurs.
24. There is a new version of NBA Street
25. The San Antonio Spurs are currently ranked number one (GO SPURS GO!!)
26. I don't have to take math again until after I get my diploma
27. I'M DOING GOOD IN MY CLASSES
28. I may have gotten "Jew-ed" by 2 girls, but hey at least they where interested
29. I got Nick Scott to write my profile for the RUF/NEK members page--and it's good

Alright, I think that's good enough and surprisingly I feel extremely good. Anyways, here is Nick's profile for me.

Hi, I'm Sam. Not very many people know this, but I am a connosieur of
fine cigars. More so, I am the connosieur of even finer women. Some may say that my
gentlemanly ways are outdated, but I firmly believe that true romance is not dead. Even
when I was little, my mother told me I had the voice of an angel, and I have always loved
music. It was in Edmond that my passion for the maraccas was ignited, and after honing
my skills by using my voice and maraccas to make women swoon, I toured Latin America playing sold out concerts every night. Then I returned to Oklahoma and entered the brotherhood of the RUF/NEKS. Although I no longer play or sing for big crowds, you ladies out there should know that a private concert can be arranged.

Can't tell me that's not funny. Alright I'm going to bed while I'm in a good mood.

Found some songs that fit my current situation,

Crossfade - Cold

"I never really wanted you see
The screwed-up side of me
That I keep locked inside of me so deep,
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me there's just no home;

I never meant to be so cold
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
Never meant to be so cold"

And another song by Linkin Park, Easier to Run

"Something has been taken from deep inside of me
A secret I've kept locked away, no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show, they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head, for years and years they've played...

If I could change, I would, Take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave, I would
If I could change, I would, Take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave...

It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go than face all this pain here all alone"

I'm having to stay in Edmond tonight because my parents are in Texas and my brother needs a ride to school tomorrow. Well, we ran some errands and things of that such today and I realized why I can't stay in Edmond anymore. I have too many ghost. I've made too many ghost. Ghost that I ran from. You know those memories that you love, but there is a part of you that hates them so much. I ran into Ashley Weathers today at the mall. She brought up the ghost of Angela... You know you've made such a big mistake when something hurts that bad. I mean I can't even go to my old places I use to run to because I keep thinking of Jenna. Man, I'm just one big fuck up. Then when we ordered a pizza, Abe came over because he was the delivery guy. That's just an evil ghost of how my best friends, MY BEST FRIENDS, the people that got me through most of high school are just killing themselves. HOW CAN YOU DO SOMETHING AS STUPID AS ECSTASY!? that's just some bad shit...I want to be there for them, but if they are going to be doing such a horrible narcotic, I can't be there. I love Amanda and McKenzie more then I could ever put in words but that is just stupid.
Another weird thing about seeing Ashley is that you realize how stupid you are as a high school kid. You think you know everything back when you are in high school, but then you get out and then you see. You didn't know shit. I mean one of my friends got mugged by some guy in a ski mask with a 12 gauge shotgun. The bitch, the one that is related to me by marriage and is the mother of my heart, Selena, had another kid. Don't get me wrong, I love Selena and I know I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for her, but the Bitch is just so evil...I'm scared for that little boy. God keep an eye on them, because they will need a flock of Angels to watch over them. Just keep praying that I'll get the job out of state this summer because I don't think I can stay here...

Well, I talked to my parents about how I feel about my current situation. They were understanding which is good. This is going to be a hard time for me. Guys I need you to pray that I can convince Nick Scott to stay in Norman, and at OU. I think he is the only person that I know resonably well enough to actually enjoy my time here. I wouldn't have to worry about parties.
Ok, I think I need to clarify my feelings on my own partying. I party. I drink. I flirt (thank God, there hasn't been a situation where things have gone past flirting too much). I go to sleep/pass out. Wake up the next morning disgusted in myself. The only difference this time is that, this time it was a bit too much. And I'm tired of this cycle. I want it to be over. I want to feel like I'm not comprimising the person I feel like I am inside. So, that's why I'm looking to get out of this house. Possibly/probably the RUF/NEKS. Just pray for me if you read this.

CAN'T...STAY...HERE!!

Need to get out of Norman. Can't stay at OU. Last night was a kick in the face for me. I can't be here amongst all the partying and nipple licking and random making out. THAT SHIT ISN'T ME!! I don't give a flying crap if I am a RUF/NEK, as a human person, I CAN'T STAY HERE!!
Can't go UCO, Not sure if I can stay here, and I want somewhat of a cheap education...
What sounds nice is just getting out of Oklahoma all together, but then again, I would want to go to Texas, and a Texas education ain't cheap. I just realized how much I can't deal with everything last night. Recently, I've really been thinking about my possibility of becoming a priest, and I'm really liking that. Don't really want to bring a child into this world where sex and life in general is just so devalued. I would want to help those with children try to raise them right in the sinful world. "Just go and do it because it feels good, I mean it's only ____ "(feel in the blank as you please) and I'm tired of hearing that. And I mean when did we stop asking ourselves "Is it right in the Lord's eyes and would it serve him and justify his sacrifice on our part?" I just need to get out of here, everyone pray for me...

Well, I still have no clue as to what I'm doing in life right now. It sucks.
The one good thing that has happened recently is something I can't talk about... Which is fine, I love her and she watches my back and it's always good to have someone that truly cares about you sort of watching out for you and I'm glad I have her. Other good thing is that I've lost about an inch or so off my waist, which is awesome. I only have one more belt loop in my belt and then I have to get another one, which is sad because I like my elephant skin belt... :(
Other thing that is crazy is that me and Lissy have gotten to a point where we don't fight every time we talk. AMAZING! We always seemed to fight everytime since seventh grade. I know I'm nuts, but she was all sad because she thought she didn't have anyone to walk her down the Aisle when she marries Jaime, so I offered to walk her down. I'm nuts. Like I said, I don't know what I'm doing. All I know is that I love her, I promised her back in middle school and I can't break that one and it was really making her sad. I can't let something like that hurt someone I love so I just offered. When she first said it, something in my head told me it was what my heart wanted, and I know it made her glad, and what's weird is that I meant it with every fiber of my being. I haven't made a promise like that since I promised Heather that I would go to prom, which was the LAST THING I wanted. So if she really wants me to present her at the wedding, I would be more then happy to get a penguin suit and walk her down on her most gorgeous day. I'm nuts.... That's all I got.
Take care and God bless.

"I wonder what it's like to fly away. Let me shed this skin of materialism and lay out in the sun. Let the sun burn my tender skin and make me ready for things to come. I will be that warrior who holds no fear-don't tell me I can't do it-don't tell me it's never going to work. If I fall, let me fall-but don't tell me you told me so. Pain can be just as sweet as any victory."

That was posted in a blog I read quite often. I say, I agree with it. This post is also to state that I think me and you blog are going to become better friends. I'm having troubles with a friend of mine and I can't really talk to anyone about it because anything I say can/will get back to them. I'm determined to let them hang themselves. I just have to wait, hold my mouth, be patient and Pray quite a bit. I must also remember that I will never be shamed in the Lord, and I must not decay into mean spiritedness (like I did today). Keep your cool Pantaleon...

Always tired...

Just want to know what I'm doing and if it will lead to something good. My family is hurting, especially my grandma who is currently in the hospital. More and more, I've gotten aggressive. I've been eating healthy and working out every morning and I've gotten an inch off my waist in about 2 weeks which is extremely good considering that I'm going for muscle mass. But like I said, I've gotten more aggressive. I've been able to surpress it some and let it out in healthy ways like weight lifting, but the side affect of it is that I've gotten use to punching the walls of my house. Like the metal wall between the kitchen and the living room and the brick wall outside. Like I've gotten use to that pain that your knuckles feel when you hit something and what's scarier is that I'm starting to enjoy it. I feel like I'm letting that sensitive side in me rest and even though it causes me a serious amount of pain, the sensitivity is part of me and keeps me in touch of the people around me. I need to bring it back. I also need to work on my grades. I need to pay the RUF/NEKS. I need to do all my duties for the RUF/NEKS. I need to do my ethics paper. I need so much stuff to do. *sighs* And everyone around me is self centered and I don't know how to talk to them. I want to sleep, but then again, I want to punch that wall again, but I need to go lift weights...