Sitting on the Dock of the Bay

"I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay
Watchin' the tide roll away
I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time

Look's like nothing's gonna change
Everything remains the same
I can't do what ten people tell me to do
So I guess I'll remain the same"

~Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay - Otis Redding

I like this song. I don't agree with a lot of it, because the person singing it makes the claim that he has nothing left to live for in one verse. One of the problems of me becoming an English/Pre-med major is the amount of english classes I have to take. The one that is messing with my head the most is my critical reading and writing class. You have to learn to consider the thinking behind the words in the class. Just started it, but I have already picked up some skills.

The performer of the song talks about how he left Georgia to head to the San Francisco. That alone is something to live for. The journey of just heading across a whole continent has got to be something. The journey its self would be enough for me to live for. And he also talks about just sitting on the dock of the bay watching the tide. People make a living out of watching the tide because there is always that one time the tide freaks out on you and becomes a tsunami. And he is also obviously at a crossroads. He could head back to Georgia and try to deal with what he left behind, or he could get on a boat and journey further. My point is that it is never pointless.

The thing that bothers me the most about the song is that he says nothing changes so he guesses he will just remain the same. You can't remain the same, no matter what you do. You saw that last tide roll out and the next tide that rolls out won't be exactly the same as the last one and that is a change that he witnessed and is now a part of him. Who knows how many people saw that last tide roll out, but he knows for a certainity that he saw that tide roll out. Also he went on a journey across the nation. He saw the sun rise and set over vastly different landscapes, so I know he saw natural beauty. I know for a fact that natural beauty can touch you and leave a picture with you that can never be taken from you. It might get fuzzy, like all memories, but the idea of the natural beauty is always yours. But I think the main problem that I have with the performer is that he doesn't acknowledge these changes and events that I know are beautiful because he just can't see past some bad. I understand that, but one of the things that always gotten me through the dark times is knowing that dark can't exist without light. Sure, there may be corruption of people , and there are naturally corrupt people, but there are still innocent people, and naturally good people.

*UPDATE*
Living in a different place. I like it a lot and I like the people that I was put with. 3 of the coolest guys I've met. Summer sucked, but that was my fault, went into it thinking it was going to be bad. It didn't help that my phone broke :( I'm pretty sure I'm getting a new one soon, (maybe today). New number unfortunately, but that will have to be gotten over. Have kind of pulled back w/my RUF/NEK brothers. I care a lot about them, but there are other interest I have now. I'm trying to join O.I.L. (Oklahoma Intercolliegate Legislature), because my brother asked me to. Sounds cool. Learn how the state government works, and such and meet cool people. I've also gotten into the habit of knocking on random people's apartments around me to just meet them. That's been a blast. Our neighbors have sort of gotten use to my roomates and I just coming and going. Anyways, trying to get a job, hopefully on campus. Going to save up some money to get my tattoo. I know what I want and I know where I want it, (the "cruz de santiago" look it up in google images, and I want it on my back, between my shoulder blades). I've also been running a lot to get use to running to the tri-delt house. The good thing is that my calves are HUGE and very defined and I've actually grown to love running in general. Ok, good enough for now.

Up late because I can't sleep. I know I'm tired, I just have a lot on my mind. This whole summer thing is looking pretty damp still right now, but I haven't even finished my first week of summer and I haven't finished applying to all the places I want to yet, but I'm scared as all living hell as to what is going to happen this summer.

Just thinking a lot. Laura said it best when she said that we date to find the person we want to marry. I could be happy with Laura, but I'm not sure she would be happy with me. I'm not exactly a "bad boy," which tends to be the type of guys she hangs out with. Why me? I need to talk to her, but I think she knows I want to talk to her about some deep stuff. We really need to talk. She kind of scared me because she doesn't have faith in her brother in going to college. I could never give up such hope for someone I love, especially someone in my family. I've always noticed that in most situations that women are the most level headed but I could never say that about my brother.

Then there is Lil Mac, she asked me to call her when I get to town, and I still haven't but I'm not sure I can. I've changed a little in that department about what I want to do in my life and I just sort of get the feeling like all they want to do is party, I can't because I have to consider Medical school which is looking more and more iffy.

Sort of feel like a fool. I had no idea how people really thought and I was sort of in this little make believe world where everything worked out great. My friends will always be there because we are young and we are going to live forever but Patrick had to be cocky and try to beat that damn train. He deserved a better death then that. I mean I look his name up on the internet and people make snide stupid comments and I'm like "SHUT THE HELL UP!! HE MADE A STUPID DECISION BUT HE WAS A GOOD MAN!! DON'T JUDGE HIM OF ONE MOMENT WHEN HE HAD A LAPSE IN DECISION!!!! He was a gentlemen and a man of God, what about you? He wouldn't have judged you in such a snide and asshole way so why do you judge my brother like that?" I mean I love and miss my brother but if he were to magically appear in front of me right now, I would do 2 thing, give him a hug and then punch him right in the face and yell at him "YOU ARE SMARTER THEN THAT!! YOU HAD ONE OF THE BEST G.P.A.s OUT OF ALL OF OUR PLEDGE CLASS!! YOU DIDN'T GET TO DRIVE THE SCHOONER AND I WON'T GET TO DO RUN-ON WITH YOU AGAIN!!! YOU HAD TO THROUGH THAT ALL AWAY!! PEOPLE LOVE YOU, AND ARE HURTING BECAUSE OF THE ABSENCE!!!"

The other hard learned lesson I've learned and I think I'm still learning is that all other people are looking out for themselves, maybe it's about time I started to do the same. Still can't do that though... Damn I wish I could be an asshole when it came to peoples needs. People are also very coniving to this end as well.

Another thing that has come about with Patrick's death is the thought about "what if it was me" so being careful I've decided that there are some things that I want in case I go anytime soon. I want the last song of the Big and Rich CD played. I want my brother Robert to speak. I want my RUF/NEK brothers to show up in their suits our whatever they got and I want 7 of my pledge brothers in their reds and I want them to give me a 21 shotgun salute. I don't care about if they have to reload, but I want 7 shotguns fired by my brothers 3 times at my memorial, but I want to be buried in Marathon, TX or Pheonix, AZ or if my parents are in San Antonio, then SA will do.

Not that I'm thinking about my death much, but there just seems to be a lot of it going on around for people my age. Tamara Colvin, I think was her name, died when a tree landed on her and hit her on the head. It's sad because these young people deserve something better then, "hey did you know the girl that got hit by the tree" or in my case "did you know the guy that ran in front of the train?" The up-side is hard to see, but it is the lesson of mortality. There is NEVER enough time so enjoy the time you have. And love those around you, which is something that has made Patrick's passing easier on me, is that I know I loved my brother and I helped him how I could. Being on that note, I want it to be said that if you said "hi" to me and you gave me your hand to shake, then I love you. Thanks for acknowlegding me. Don't worry about wronging me because I don't have bad feelings towards you so don't have guilt. Eh too much death. This is going to end now because it's so freaking long.

SUMMER, IT'S HERE!!! Now leave damnit!!!!! I know it sounds funny, but I want summer already to be over. I hate it. I hate summer more then anything right now. I never see anyone. The people who do want to see me, for a majority of them, I don't want to see them. KeV (I'm going to use pseudonyms because I don't want there to be flat out names) has been calling me...great. They always have some drama, which is fine every once in a while. Just not every day. She smokes weed, not something I'm into at all. Then I got LaE. Sweetheart. Love her but...(don't want to get into it). Then there is the family. WHY THE GOD DAMN HELL DO THEY HAVE TO FIGHT SO FUCKING MUCH?! Went home for my brothers birthday, not home more then 24 hours and my dad and brother are in a fight. Great...

Then there is AaF. I made an apology to her and was there for her when she was going to commit suicide to talk her down, but it really wasn't a place I need to be when I was stressing over finals, but life comes before all else.

After finals, I'm so spent. Got nothing to offer. Just tired. Wish I could go home to rest but I'm not exactly sure where that is. I have a strong feeling like CsM doesn't want to see or hear me or about me for the whole break, which is fine. I can respect and understand that. But that completely knocks out Norman, and like I said earlier, don't really want to go to Edmonds. It doesn't feel like home. Wish I knew what to do...fuck.

Just wish summer was already over, football season was here so I could go get lost in Sassafras for a while and school. Haze some pledges...(that comment was for you Heather if you are reading this, chances are that you will eventually), not really. In fact I need to make friends with next years pledges so they will vote in a block with us 04s to change how the club runs. See the girls and meet new people. That's all the stuff I want to do and see next semester but right now, that's 3 long months away.

What's funny was that I was scared of college because I have and still don't have any idea what's going to happen day to day. Now that I've been through college, I don't want it to end because I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach like I know what is going to happen day to day and moment to moment this summer. Nothing. I'm pretty sure that I will drive to Thalequah this summer to see my brother Matt because that sounds like fun. This entry seems pretty depressed, but it's just the fact that I'm looking monotony in the face right now, so it seems like I have to go find stuff to do this summer, which I can do and will do when I just get off my ass.

Man, I look back 2 weeks ago and it seems like there were the signs that everything was going to go to shit pretty quick but I had no idea.

A close friend of mine was killed 2 weeks ago when he went jogging. He got hit by a train. Since then it has just sort of been that whole period where you are just doing what you can to keep your sanity and your head above the water. But it seems like treading water isn't working and I'm going down pretty quick. Like my memory has been for shit recently. I had a paper due for my zoo and I totally forgot about the whole damn thing. This sucks. I don't know what to do. I can't do bad in another zoo class.

One good thing is that I got a girlfriend. Laura Emde. I went to High School with her but never really knew her. I really do love her, but I'm starting to realize exactly how inexperienced and naive I really am and with that there are certain thoughts that follow...

Moving on. I know this is going to sound sadistic, but maybe I can get away with this zoo thing if I just bust my ass. I can't flunk out, I can't give up. I can't let that stupid bitch of an advisor be proved right. I can't fail....

Someone pray for me....

I guess the immortal words of Zapata are going to have to get me through this again

"It's better to die on your feet then live on your knees"

I've tried to live by that saying and never give up the fight because I'm starting to realize that what life is made of is fight. You fighting to prove to yourself what you are made of. Fighting to prove to others what you can do. Fighting to protect and take care of those you love. Fighting to live a good life in a world that just doesn't seem to cherish "good" anymore (that's probably a personal one). Fighting to make this world a better place when it seems like a majority of people just don't give a damn. But one fight I'm going to give up is the fight to stay awake because I need to go to bed because I have a feeling like I'm going to have an early morning.

I'm so restless right now. It's not funny. It's not insomnia, it's just wishfulness. I don't want to stay in Oklahoma this summer. I just want to go out and have an adventure. I want to do something other then get up and do nothing, or get up and go to work and do nothing. I want to go out and disappear and come back with some experiences that are all my own. Kasey is going on her corps thing this summer. I have friends that will probably leave the country on vacations. My family does NOT vacation, so that isn't going to happen. I don't want to go back and work at homeplate. Infact, I'm tired of working in food. I will if I can work somewhere else, but I just can't stay in Oklahoma. I WANT OUT!! I think I'm going to the job placement thing at the union see if they can offer me some help on getting out of Oklahoma. If I could do what I want, I would be out in the sun everyday of the summer and working. Sweating and meeting new people. If you read this, any hints?

"I ain't afraid of no ghost!"

Yeah, apparently I screwed up again. Wronged a good friend this weekend as well. Kind of funny considering the fact that I was caught up by the ghost in my past. Alright, I'm not going to let my ghost eat me alive and consume me. I'm going to do something about it. Can't keep running because you'll eventually get tired and I think I'm almost there. So...Time to kick some ghost butt and try to fix things in my past. Probably won't ever be able to completely get rid of them, but at least I can bring this to an end. No more dramatic, depressed shit. This is it, I'm going to e-mail Angela an apology. Hopefully, she will respond so that way I can properly bring this to an end. Going to talk to McKenzie and Amanda, tell them that I don't approve of what they are doing and hopefully they will get the message and try to clean up their acts. Have to talk to Jenna...(that's going to be fun). Have to talk to Kasey (shouldn't be to hard I think). Then maybe I can help Nicole out and keep the drama in my life to a minimum. No more writing, just action. Pray for me. What's funny is that I'm actually happy about the way I'm going to be handling this. WISH ME LUCK!!

Why is that all of a sudden people think there is something wrong with me?

Lissy, whom I was planning on visiting in Texas this weekend, just told me she wasn't sure I should come if I have a lot on my mind. That's a shock, since just recently we've gotten to a point where we don't fight everytime we talk. Also, considering that fact that we haven't seen in each other in YEARS and I thought we were actually really close. At least I thought so...
Also Heather wrote me a message on Facebook saying that I sound really depressed and she was worried that I would do something stupid. I won't. I promise I'm fine. Damn, I think I should stop writing this depressing dribble in here and remind myself about what's good.

1. Jesus Christ
2. Selena and Alexander, Selena's new baby brother
3. New Borns
4. My family
5. Lissy and Heather caring (sorry if I scare you guys, I promise I'm not that bad in person)
6. I get to shot shotguns
7. My family is pretty much out of financial trouble (YEAH!!!)
8. The fact that tomorrow I get to get up and celebrate another great day in a great country
9. I have good friends
10. Selena and Alexander
11. I get to shot shotguns ( I know this is repetition, but those are really good things :)
12. It's awesome that Alexander was born on Valentine's Day
13. My parents are coming back from Texas soon
14. My brother has a "date?" with a girl
15. I found a way to hook up my computer to my stereo so I can hear my music in stereo!
16. I have cable and a computer and a phone
17. I have the music from the broadway play "Avenue Q"
18. Trekki Monster Freaking rocks
19. My waterbed has a heating pad under it's water mattress
20. "Schadenfraude" :)
21. I have a 120 friend on thefacebook.com
22. Tomorrow I get to have lunch with a good friend who is extremely good looking
23. My ethics test isn't until Thurs.
24. There is a new version of NBA Street
25. The San Antonio Spurs are currently ranked number one (GO SPURS GO!!)
26. I don't have to take math again until after I get my diploma
27. I'M DOING GOOD IN MY CLASSES
28. I may have gotten "Jew-ed" by 2 girls, but hey at least they where interested
29. I got Nick Scott to write my profile for the RUF/NEK members page--and it's good

Alright, I think that's good enough and surprisingly I feel extremely good. Anyways, here is Nick's profile for me.

Hi, I'm Sam. Not very many people know this, but I am a connosieur of
fine cigars. More so, I am the connosieur of even finer women. Some may say that my
gentlemanly ways are outdated, but I firmly believe that true romance is not dead. Even
when I was little, my mother told me I had the voice of an angel, and I have always loved
music. It was in Edmond that my passion for the maraccas was ignited, and after honing
my skills by using my voice and maraccas to make women swoon, I toured Latin America playing sold out concerts every night. Then I returned to Oklahoma and entered the brotherhood of the RUF/NEKS. Although I no longer play or sing for big crowds, you ladies out there should know that a private concert can be arranged.

Can't tell me that's not funny. Alright I'm going to bed while I'm in a good mood.

Found some songs that fit my current situation,

Crossfade - Cold

"I never really wanted you see
The screwed-up side of me
That I keep locked inside of me so deep,
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me there's just no home;

I never meant to be so cold
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
Never meant to be so cold"

And another song by Linkin Park, Easier to Run

"Something has been taken from deep inside of me
A secret I've kept locked away, no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show, they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head, for years and years they've played...

If I could change, I would, Take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave, I would
If I could change, I would, Take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave...

It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go than face all this pain here all alone"

I'm having to stay in Edmond tonight because my parents are in Texas and my brother needs a ride to school tomorrow. Well, we ran some errands and things of that such today and I realized why I can't stay in Edmond anymore. I have too many ghost. I've made too many ghost. Ghost that I ran from. You know those memories that you love, but there is a part of you that hates them so much. I ran into Ashley Weathers today at the mall. She brought up the ghost of Angela... You know you've made such a big mistake when something hurts that bad. I mean I can't even go to my old places I use to run to because I keep thinking of Jenna. Man, I'm just one big fuck up. Then when we ordered a pizza, Abe came over because he was the delivery guy. That's just an evil ghost of how my best friends, MY BEST FRIENDS, the people that got me through most of high school are just killing themselves. HOW CAN YOU DO SOMETHING AS STUPID AS ECSTASY!? that's just some bad shit...I want to be there for them, but if they are going to be doing such a horrible narcotic, I can't be there. I love Amanda and McKenzie more then I could ever put in words but that is just stupid.
Another weird thing about seeing Ashley is that you realize how stupid you are as a high school kid. You think you know everything back when you are in high school, but then you get out and then you see. You didn't know shit. I mean one of my friends got mugged by some guy in a ski mask with a 12 gauge shotgun. The bitch, the one that is related to me by marriage and is the mother of my heart, Selena, had another kid. Don't get me wrong, I love Selena and I know I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for her, but the Bitch is just so evil...I'm scared for that little boy. God keep an eye on them, because they will need a flock of Angels to watch over them. Just keep praying that I'll get the job out of state this summer because I don't think I can stay here...

Well, I talked to my parents about how I feel about my current situation. They were understanding which is good. This is going to be a hard time for me. Guys I need you to pray that I can convince Nick Scott to stay in Norman, and at OU. I think he is the only person that I know resonably well enough to actually enjoy my time here. I wouldn't have to worry about parties.
Ok, I think I need to clarify my feelings on my own partying. I party. I drink. I flirt (thank God, there hasn't been a situation where things have gone past flirting too much). I go to sleep/pass out. Wake up the next morning disgusted in myself. The only difference this time is that, this time it was a bit too much. And I'm tired of this cycle. I want it to be over. I want to feel like I'm not comprimising the person I feel like I am inside. So, that's why I'm looking to get out of this house. Possibly/probably the RUF/NEKS. Just pray for me if you read this.

CAN'T...STAY...HERE!!

Need to get out of Norman. Can't stay at OU. Last night was a kick in the face for me. I can't be here amongst all the partying and nipple licking and random making out. THAT SHIT ISN'T ME!! I don't give a flying crap if I am a RUF/NEK, as a human person, I CAN'T STAY HERE!!
Can't go UCO, Not sure if I can stay here, and I want somewhat of a cheap education...
What sounds nice is just getting out of Oklahoma all together, but then again, I would want to go to Texas, and a Texas education ain't cheap. I just realized how much I can't deal with everything last night. Recently, I've really been thinking about my possibility of becoming a priest, and I'm really liking that. Don't really want to bring a child into this world where sex and life in general is just so devalued. I would want to help those with children try to raise them right in the sinful world. "Just go and do it because it feels good, I mean it's only ____ "(feel in the blank as you please) and I'm tired of hearing that. And I mean when did we stop asking ourselves "Is it right in the Lord's eyes and would it serve him and justify his sacrifice on our part?" I just need to get out of here, everyone pray for me...

Well, I still have no clue as to what I'm doing in life right now. It sucks.
The one good thing that has happened recently is something I can't talk about... Which is fine, I love her and she watches my back and it's always good to have someone that truly cares about you sort of watching out for you and I'm glad I have her. Other good thing is that I've lost about an inch or so off my waist, which is awesome. I only have one more belt loop in my belt and then I have to get another one, which is sad because I like my elephant skin belt... :(
Other thing that is crazy is that me and Lissy have gotten to a point where we don't fight every time we talk. AMAZING! We always seemed to fight everytime since seventh grade. I know I'm nuts, but she was all sad because she thought she didn't have anyone to walk her down the Aisle when she marries Jaime, so I offered to walk her down. I'm nuts. Like I said, I don't know what I'm doing. All I know is that I love her, I promised her back in middle school and I can't break that one and it was really making her sad. I can't let something like that hurt someone I love so I just offered. When she first said it, something in my head told me it was what my heart wanted, and I know it made her glad, and what's weird is that I meant it with every fiber of my being. I haven't made a promise like that since I promised Heather that I would go to prom, which was the LAST THING I wanted. So if she really wants me to present her at the wedding, I would be more then happy to get a penguin suit and walk her down on her most gorgeous day. I'm nuts.... That's all I got.
Take care and God bless.

"I wonder what it's like to fly away. Let me shed this skin of materialism and lay out in the sun. Let the sun burn my tender skin and make me ready for things to come. I will be that warrior who holds no fear-don't tell me I can't do it-don't tell me it's never going to work. If I fall, let me fall-but don't tell me you told me so. Pain can be just as sweet as any victory."

That was posted in a blog I read quite often. I say, I agree with it. This post is also to state that I think me and you blog are going to become better friends. I'm having troubles with a friend of mine and I can't really talk to anyone about it because anything I say can/will get back to them. I'm determined to let them hang themselves. I just have to wait, hold my mouth, be patient and Pray quite a bit. I must also remember that I will never be shamed in the Lord, and I must not decay into mean spiritedness (like I did today). Keep your cool Pantaleon...