Up late because I can't sleep. I know I'm tired, I just have a lot on my mind. This whole summer thing is looking pretty damp still right now, but I haven't even finished my first week of summer and I haven't finished applying to all the places I want to yet, but I'm scared as all living hell as to what is going to happen this summer.
Just thinking a lot. Laura said it best when she said that we date to find the person we want to marry. I could be happy with Laura, but I'm not sure she would be happy with me. I'm not exactly a "bad boy," which tends to be the type of guys she hangs out with. Why me? I need to talk to her, but I think she knows I want to talk to her about some deep stuff. We really need to talk. She kind of scared me because she doesn't have faith in her brother in going to college. I could never give up such hope for someone I love, especially someone in my family. I've always noticed that in most situations that women are the most level headed but I could never say that about my brother.
Then there is Lil Mac, she asked me to call her when I get to town, and I still haven't but I'm not sure I can. I've changed a little in that department about what I want to do in my life and I just sort of get the feeling like all they want to do is party, I can't because I have to consider Medical school which is looking more and more iffy.
Sort of feel like a fool. I had no idea how people really thought and I was sort of in this little make believe world where everything worked out great. My friends will always be there because we are young and we are going to live forever but Patrick had to be cocky and try to beat that damn train. He deserved a better death then that. I mean I look his name up on the internet and people make snide stupid comments and I'm like "SHUT THE HELL UP!! HE MADE A STUPID DECISION BUT HE WAS A GOOD MAN!! DON'T JUDGE HIM OF ONE MOMENT WHEN HE HAD A LAPSE IN DECISION!!!! He was a gentlemen and a man of God, what about you? He wouldn't have judged you in such a snide and asshole way so why do you judge my brother like that?" I mean I love and miss my brother but if he were to magically appear in front of me right now, I would do 2 thing, give him a hug and then punch him right in the face and yell at him "YOU ARE SMARTER THEN THAT!! YOU HAD ONE OF THE BEST G.P.A.s OUT OF ALL OF OUR PLEDGE CLASS!! YOU DIDN'T GET TO DRIVE THE SCHOONER AND I WON'T GET TO DO RUN-ON WITH YOU AGAIN!!! YOU HAD TO THROUGH THAT ALL AWAY!! PEOPLE LOVE YOU, AND ARE HURTING BECAUSE OF THE ABSENCE!!!"
The other hard learned lesson I've learned and I think I'm still learning is that all other people are looking out for themselves, maybe it's about time I started to do the same. Still can't do that though... Damn I wish I could be an asshole when it came to peoples needs. People are also very coniving to this end as well.
Another thing that has come about with Patrick's death is the thought about "what if it was me" so being careful I've decided that there are some things that I want in case I go anytime soon. I want the last song of the Big and Rich CD played. I want my brother Robert to speak. I want my RUF/NEK brothers to show up in their suits our whatever they got and I want 7 of my pledge brothers in their reds and I want them to give me a 21 shotgun salute. I don't care about if they have to reload, but I want 7 shotguns fired by my brothers 3 times at my memorial, but I want to be buried in Marathon, TX or Pheonix, AZ or if my parents are in San Antonio, then SA will do.
Not that I'm thinking about my death much, but there just seems to be a lot of it going on around for people my age. Tamara Colvin, I think was her name, died when a tree landed on her and hit her on the head. It's sad because these young people deserve something better then, "hey did you know the girl that got hit by the tree" or in my case "did you know the guy that ran in front of the train?" The up-side is hard to see, but it is the lesson of mortality. There is NEVER enough time so enjoy the time you have. And love those around you, which is something that has made Patrick's passing easier on me, is that I know I loved my brother and I helped him how I could. Being on that note, I want it to be said that if you said "hi" to me and you gave me your hand to shake, then I love you. Thanks for acknowlegding me. Don't worry about wronging me because I don't have bad feelings towards you so don't have guilt. Eh too much death. This is going to end now because it's so freaking long.
Just thinking a lot. Laura said it best when she said that we date to find the person we want to marry. I could be happy with Laura, but I'm not sure she would be happy with me. I'm not exactly a "bad boy," which tends to be the type of guys she hangs out with. Why me? I need to talk to her, but I think she knows I want to talk to her about some deep stuff. We really need to talk. She kind of scared me because she doesn't have faith in her brother in going to college. I could never give up such hope for someone I love, especially someone in my family. I've always noticed that in most situations that women are the most level headed but I could never say that about my brother.
Then there is Lil Mac, she asked me to call her when I get to town, and I still haven't but I'm not sure I can. I've changed a little in that department about what I want to do in my life and I just sort of get the feeling like all they want to do is party, I can't because I have to consider Medical school which is looking more and more iffy.
Sort of feel like a fool. I had no idea how people really thought and I was sort of in this little make believe world where everything worked out great. My friends will always be there because we are young and we are going to live forever but Patrick had to be cocky and try to beat that damn train. He deserved a better death then that. I mean I look his name up on the internet and people make snide stupid comments and I'm like "SHUT THE HELL UP!! HE MADE A STUPID DECISION BUT HE WAS A GOOD MAN!! DON'T JUDGE HIM OF ONE MOMENT WHEN HE HAD A LAPSE IN DECISION!!!! He was a gentlemen and a man of God, what about you? He wouldn't have judged you in such a snide and asshole way so why do you judge my brother like that?" I mean I love and miss my brother but if he were to magically appear in front of me right now, I would do 2 thing, give him a hug and then punch him right in the face and yell at him "YOU ARE SMARTER THEN THAT!! YOU HAD ONE OF THE BEST G.P.A.s OUT OF ALL OF OUR PLEDGE CLASS!! YOU DIDN'T GET TO DRIVE THE SCHOONER AND I WON'T GET TO DO RUN-ON WITH YOU AGAIN!!! YOU HAD TO THROUGH THAT ALL AWAY!! PEOPLE LOVE YOU, AND ARE HURTING BECAUSE OF THE ABSENCE!!!"
The other hard learned lesson I've learned and I think I'm still learning is that all other people are looking out for themselves, maybe it's about time I started to do the same. Still can't do that though... Damn I wish I could be an asshole when it came to peoples needs. People are also very coniving to this end as well.
Another thing that has come about with Patrick's death is the thought about "what if it was me" so being careful I've decided that there are some things that I want in case I go anytime soon. I want the last song of the Big and Rich CD played. I want my brother Robert to speak. I want my RUF/NEK brothers to show up in their suits our whatever they got and I want 7 of my pledge brothers in their reds and I want them to give me a 21 shotgun salute. I don't care about if they have to reload, but I want 7 shotguns fired by my brothers 3 times at my memorial, but I want to be buried in Marathon, TX or Pheonix, AZ or if my parents are in San Antonio, then SA will do.
Not that I'm thinking about my death much, but there just seems to be a lot of it going on around for people my age. Tamara Colvin, I think was her name, died when a tree landed on her and hit her on the head. It's sad because these young people deserve something better then, "hey did you know the girl that got hit by the tree" or in my case "did you know the guy that ran in front of the train?" The up-side is hard to see, but it is the lesson of mortality. There is NEVER enough time so enjoy the time you have. And love those around you, which is something that has made Patrick's passing easier on me, is that I know I loved my brother and I helped him how I could. Being on that note, I want it to be said that if you said "hi" to me and you gave me your hand to shake, then I love you. Thanks for acknowlegding me. Don't worry about wronging me because I don't have bad feelings towards you so don't have guilt. Eh too much death. This is going to end now because it's so freaking long.
